Dealing With Separation Anxiety

Hello!  

I'd like to share with you some great advice from Elizabeth Pantley on the subject of Separation Anxiety.

This new awareness your child is experiencing is often a concern amongst parents and can create it's own set of stress, guilt and anxiety for parents themselves.

My own two children - ages 3 and 21 months - have both gone through varying stages of this  and am currently going through this stage with my 21 month old son.  I literally cannot seem to hold him enough.  If I sit on the floor, he has to be in my lap.  Despite being very into playing with toys, reading a book or happily playing with his sister - if I so much as walk into the other room (even though he can see me) he runs into the room crying "Ma-Ma!" as if I was walking out the door to the house!  

As anything with babies and toddlers - and eventually into the teenage years - it's all a phase and we hope it shall pass.  But while you're in the midst of it all, it can be hard to feel that it will never end.  Especially with tears, whining and constant nagging or crying.

So, if you find that you're coming into this phase, you're past it, or right here with me in the middle of it all - please read the excerpt below.

I'd love to hear some feedback or ways you plan to or have coped in the past.

Separation Anxiety

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Gentle Baby Care

My baby is only happy when I’m within arm’s reach. If I dare to leave the room, she cries as if I’ve left the country! I can’t even so much as take a shower these days, let alone leave the house without her. My mother-in-law says it’s because I’ve spoiled her. Is she right? Have I made her so clingy?

Nothing you’ve done has “made” your baby develop separation anxiety. It’s a perfectly normal and important developmental adaptation. Nearly all children experience separation anxiety between the ages of seven and 18 months. Some have more intense reactions than others, and for some, the stage lasts longer than others, but almost all babies have it to some degree.

The development of separation anxiety demonstrates that your baby has formed a healthy, loving attachment to you. It is a beautiful sign that your baby associates pleasure, comfort, and security with your presence. It also indicates that your baby is developing intellectually (in other words, she’s smart!) She has learned that she can have an effect on her world when she makes her needs known, and she doesn’t have to passively accept a situation that makes her uncomfortable. She doesn’t know enough about the world yet to understand that when you leave her you’ll always come back. She also realizes that she is safest, happiest, and best cared for by you, so her reluctance to part makes perfect sense ¾ especially when viewed from a survival standpoint. Put another way: You are her source of nourishment, both physical and emotional; therefore, her attachment to you is her means of survival, and when she reaches a certain level of intellectual maturity, she realizes this.

This stage, like so many others in childhood, will pass. In time, your baby will learn that she can separate from you, that you will return, and that everything will be okay between those two points in time. Much of this learning is based on trust, which, just as for every human being young or old, takes time to build.

How do I know if my baby has separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is pretty easy to spot, and you’re probably reading this section because you’ve identified it in your baby. The following are behaviors typically demonstrated by a baby with normal separation anxiety:

• Clinginess
• Crying when a parent is out of sight
• Strong preference for only one parent
• Fear of strangers
• Waking at night crying for a parent
• Easily comforted in a parent’s embrace

 How you can help your baby with separation anxiety

• Allow your baby to be a baby. It’s perfectly okay — even wonderful — for your baby to be so attached to you and for her to desire your constant companionship. Congratulations, Mommy or Daddy: It’s evidence that the bond you’ve worked so hard to create is holding. So politely ignore those who tell you otherwise.
  
  
• Don’t worry about spoiling her with your love, since quite the opposite will happen. The more that you meet her attachment needs during babyhood, the more confident and secure she will grow up to be.
  
  
• Minimize separations when possible. It’s perfectly acceptable for now ¾ better, in fact ¾ to avoid those situations that would have you separate from your baby. All too soon, your baby will move past this phase and on to the next developmental milestone.

• Give your baby lessons in object permanence. As your baby learns that things continue to exist even when she can’t see them, she’ll feel better about letting you out of her sight. Games like peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek will help her understand this phenomenon.
  
  
• Practice with quick, safe separations. Throughout the day, create situations of brief separation. When you go into another room, whistle, sing, or talk to your baby so she knows you’re still there, even though she can’t see you.
  
  
• Don’t sneak away when you have to leave her. It may seem easier than dealing with a tearful goodbye, but it will just cause her constant worry that you’re going to disappear without warning at any given moment. The result? Even more clinginess, and diminished trust in your relationship.
  
  
• Tell your baby what to expect. If you are going to the store and leaving her at home with Grandma, explain where you are going and tell her when you’ll be back. Eventually, she’ll come to understand your explanations.
  
  
• Don’t rush the parting, but don’t prolong it, either. Give your baby ample time to process your leave-taking, but don’t drag it out and make it more painful for both of you.
  
  
• Express a positive attitude when leaving her. If you’re off to work, or an evening out, leave with a smile. Your baby will absorb your emotions, so if you’re nervous about leaving her, she’ll be nervous as well. Your confidence will help alleviate her fears.
  
  
• Leave your baby with familiar people. If you must leave your baby with a new caregiver, try to arrange a few visits when you’ll all be together before you leave the two of them alone for the first time.
  
  
• Invite distractions. If you’re leaving your baby with a caregiver or relative, encourage that person to get your baby involved with playtime as you leave. Say a quick good-bye and let your baby be distracted by an interesting activity. 
  
  
• Allow your baby the separation that she initiates. If she crawls off to another room, don’t rush after her. Listen and peek, of course, to make sure that she’s safe, but let her know it’s fine for her to go off exploring on her own.
  
  
• Encourage her relationship with a special toy, if she seems to have one. These are called transitional objects or lovies. They can be a comfort to her when she’s separated from you. Many babies adopt blankets or soft toys as loveys, holding them to ease any pain of separation. The lovey becomes a friend and represents security in the face of change.
  
  
• Don’t take it personally. Many babies go through a stage of attaching themselves to one parent or the other. The other parent, as well as grandparents, siblings and friends can find this difficult to accept, but try to reassure them that it’s just a temporary and normal phase of development and with a little time and gentle patience it will pass.
  
  

This article is an excerpt from Gentle Baby Care by Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)  

Eight Sleep Tips for Every Child

A few months ago, Elizabeth Pantley contacted me to offer a great deal of information and articles for use with my clients (and for you!).

I was very pleased to have been chosen by Elizabeth as an outlet to further spread her message, advice and techniques to parents that are struggling with sleep, discipline and separation anxiety.  All of her wisdom and guidance are combined with a gentle approach you'll find throughout her popular series of No Cry solution books. 

As she states on her web site, Elizabeth's books offers parents "Advice, solutions, links and books about parenting. Raise children with love, compassion, respect and consistency and learn to be a confident and joyful parent."

Here is an excerpt from the book that I found very helpful and I'd like to share it with you today:


Eight Sleep Tips for Every Child
Written by Elizabeth Pantley


Up to 70% of children under age five have sleep problems. Sleep issues are complicated and have many causes. They’re hard to deal with because when children aren’t sleeping, parents aren’t sleeping, and that lack of sleep affects every minute of every day for every person in the family because lack of sleep isn’t just about being tired. Sleep has a role in everything -- dawdling, temper tantrums, hyperactivity, growth, health, and even learning to tie his shoes and recite the ABCs. Sleep affects everything. 

The following ideas are of value to almost any sleeper, of any age. These tips can bring improvement not only in your child’s sleep, but also in her daytime mood and last, but not least – improvements in your own sleep and outlook as well.


# 1 Maintain a consistent bedtime and awaking time.


Your child’s biological clock has a strong influence on her wakefulness and sleepiness. When you establish a set time for bedtime and wake up time you “set” your child’s clock so that it functions smoothly.  Aim for an early bedtime. Young children respond best with a bedtime between 6:30 and 7:30 P.M. Most children will sleep better and longer when they go to bed early.


# 2 Encourage regular daily naps.


Daily naps are important. An energetic child can find it difficult to go through the day without a rest break. A nap-less child will often wake up cheerful and become progressively fussier or hyper-alert as the day goes on. Also, the length and quality of naps affects night sleep – good naps equal better night sleep.


# 3 Set your child’s biological clock.


Take advantage of your child’s biology so that he’s actually tired when bedtime arrives. Darkness causes an increase in the release of the body’s sleep hormone -- the biological “stop” button. You can align your child’s sleepiness with bedtime by dimming the lights during the hour before bedtime.  Exposing your child to morning light is pushing the “go” button in her brain — one that says, “Time to wake up and be active.” So keep your mornings bright!


# 4 Develop a consistent bedtime routine.


Routines create security. A consistent, peaceful bedtime routine allows your child to transition from the motion of the day to the tranquil state of sleep. An organized routine helps you coordinate the specifics: bath, pajamas, tooth-brushing. It helps you to function on auto-pilot at the time when you are most tired and least creative.


# 5 Create a cozy sleep environment.


Where your child sleeps can be a key to quality sleep. Make certain the mattress is comfortable, the blankets are warm, the room temperature is right, pajamas are comfy, and the bedroom is welcoming.


# 6 Provide the right nutrition.


Foods can affect energy level and sleepiness. Carbohydrates can have a calming effect on the body, while foods high in protein or sugar generate alertness, particularly when eaten alone. A few ideas for pre-bed snacks are: whole wheat toast and cheese, bagel and peanut butter, oatmeal with bananas, or yogurt and low-sugar granola.  Vitamin deficiencies due to unhealthy food choices can affect a child’s sleep. Provide your child with a daily assortment of healthy foods.


# 7 Help your child to be healthy and fit.


Many children don’t get enough daily physical activity. Too much TV watching and a lack of activity prevents good sleep. Children who get ample daily exercise fall asleep more quickly, sleep better, stay asleep longer, and wake up feeling refreshed.  Avoid activity in the hour before bedtime though, since exercise is stimulating – they’ll be jumping on the bed instead of sleeping in it!


# 8 Teach your child how to relax.


Many children get in bed but aren’t sure what to do when they get there! It can help to follow a soothing pre-bed routine that creates sleepiness. A good pre-bed ritual is story time. A child who is listening to a parent read a book or tell a tale will tend to lie still and listen. This quiet stillness allows him to become sleepy.


Work with these eight ideas and you’ll see improvements in your child’s sleep, and yours too.


Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers (McGraw-Hill 2005) http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

Book Review: One Year To An Organized Life With Baby



Image courtesy of Regina Leeds site via Google images



Every now and again, I come across something - a product, web site or book - that I wish I had known about before I was pregnant and had my two children (currently ages 2 1/2 and 15 months). 

I often do not find these said items very often.  When I do, it's much like those Ah-Ha! moments where the sun shines down from the sky and glorious music plays in the background (you get the picture).

As part of my mission to be an informed mother, as well as a good baby planner, I am always more than happy to pass along these goodies.  It just so happens this new goodie fell into my hands just this past week.  

Fortunately, thanks to a new book, you do not have to experience the same wishes and woes I that have had when it came to finding a parenting/pregnancy book that is worth your time and money. 

One Year To An Organized Life With Baby is a book in a series from Regina Leeds,  a professional organizer for 20 plus years.  It is written with Meagan Francis, writer and mother of five children.  In a nutshell, this book is genuinely refreshing, helpful and complete in preparing for life with baby. 

However, you'll want to keep this book apart from the other "must-reads" you've come across or have yet to discover.  (Some are better kept un-read.  You'll have to email me if you want to hear some opinions)

Image via Google Image search



One Year is filled with great information from both the perspective of a professional organizer and a mom's perspective.  I found it to be a smart combination and collaboration of ideas for the solutions and suggestions you'll find in the book.  From the easy to follow break down of pregnancy by weeks and what to do and when coupled with the time lines and checklists, it is one of those books I wanted to grab my highlighter and dog-ear page after page.  However, I could not bring myself to do so to this book - it's far too pretty to do that to!  So, I opted for those Post-It Flags instead :) 

One quote I found early in the book that really struck home with me was Regina recounting a conversation with a client.  The client said: "I get organized on a regular basis, but it never lasts." Regina responded with this (which I love and is totally me): "You didn't get organized. You tidied up."  Let it sink in...repeat.  Not organized, just tidied up.  Big difference.  I found myself implementing their advice immediately. 

Then, as I kept going through chapter by chapter, I found wonderful things in this book.  They touch on topics ranging from green cleaning to co-sleeping to fun and creative ideas and way too many to list.  Regina and Meagan also discuss and call attention to topics that are not always thought of in the grand scheme of having a baby - including sections on remembering to focus on your partner and making mom's emotional and physical health a priority.  From personal experience, I can say both of these can get lost when you're caught up in the utter cuteness of your newborn baby and all the change that comes with it.

All of which are presented with bits of humor and realistic advice.  There are checklists for everything you need to get organized for real and not just simply tidy up.  It is truly atop my new must-have resources for new and expecting parents. 

Hopefully after reading this book, you'll find yourself wanting to buy this for all your friends and family who are currently pregnant or even those who have had their babies.  

While I tell my clients that nothing can truly prepare you for life with baby (except your baby), I do feel you can do your best to educate yourself through reliable sources as much as possible.  I share my knowledge of products, tips and tricks with everyone to the best of my ability and cut out much of the leg work and research.  However, this book comes pretty close to taking what I feel is a great approach for preparing parents from pregnancy and beyond!

Note:  I was offered my own copy of One Year To An Organized Life With Baby for free by the author.  However, my opinions are entirely my own and I have not been paid to publish positive comments.